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Submitted by: Sandra Dye

It s No Accident. In Less Than A Week, I Can Show You How To Get Time For Yourself.

One of the most difficult stages of raising a young child is from 18 months to 3 years old. During this time, it can feel like there is a

ball and chain connecting

you to your child. It can feel like you are

under your child s control

. Your child seems to be dictating your every move, and actively restricting your movements.

Clingy toddlers

translate to

exhausted parents

. During this phase, you may experience guilt, frustration, and sometimes anger because you want to

break away from your child

so you can breathe.

Let us look at this clingy behavior through my 5-Step System.

Step 1. Connect

I know when you have a clingy toddler, it seems like you are over-connected . However, the steps in this system are the same for

every age

and in

every situation

.

With a young child, connecting means trying to

put ourselves in their shoes

. From your child s perspective of what is happening between you, once they are walking there is an abrupt change and life becomes scary. While your child was still crawling, you were right there so when they cried; you would pick them up and carry them with you.

As soon as a child starts walking, they are

physically separate

from you.

In the transition from womb to birth, we know that children find great comfort in swaddling, which is very much like being in the womb

From the stage between swaddling to crawling, you are holding and carrying your child

From crawling to walking, life becomes more demanding and challenging

The physical separation can create feelings of panic and isolation for your child

All eyes on mum or dad

When your child starts walking, they look to you as their reference point to the world and their anchor of safety so they

do not get lost

. You are, in effect their GPS, global positioning system. Through

your eyes

, a brief separation seems small; from

your child s eyes

, the separation seems insurmountable at times. If your child cannot see you, they feel they are lost.

Toddlers send out honing signals and protest separation. You child may cling to your legs, throw themselves against the bathroom door, yell, whimper with tears streaming down their little cheeks and arms outstretched, or plead with you not to leave them. Your child has not yet developed

object constancy

, a developmental stage when they know you exist even though they cannot see you. Until your toddler achieves object constancy, they feel if they cannot see you, that you are gone; they are lost and alone in the world.

Step 2. Calm

Your child is in a panic about the separation. For them to calm their panic, you need to remain calm. Remember, emotions are contagious, if you are calm and confident your child will calm more quickly and feel more confident. If you are hyper-excited, your child will quickly catch your hyper-excitement and become overly reactive.

Step 3. Listen

You need to listen to your child s protest about separation. The way your toddler knows you are listening, is that you respond to their distress by preparing them for the separation. In my clinical practice, I teach parents to play a revised version of the game peek-a-boo.

Peek-A-Boo

Tie one end of a strand of yarn around your waist and the other end around your child s waist

Have your child leave by going behind a wall where you cannot see them and they cannot see you for a second

Quickly return into sight

Giggle with excitement when you find each other

Extend the time you are out of each other s sight

Extend the distance between you and your child

Move down a hall, behind the wall and quickly come back

Always express delight when you see each other again

When out of sight, say aloud, Where oh where is Scott, I wonder where Scott went; he was here a moment ago. I know

last time he went around the corner, he came back, I wonder how long it will take this time before I see him again?

This practice helps the two of you play out separation while

still connected

by the strand of yarn. You create a fun game in which your child can feel safe. With this game, your child begins to understand that you

can be gone

and you

do come back

. When all is going well, you can move to the final stages.

Help your child cut the yarn but let the yarn drag on the floor;

don t remove it yet

Continue playing the game with the strand of yarn dragging on the ground

Keep the game short and fun

Later, start playing the game without yarn

If your child resists, go back to leaving a strand of yarn on each of you until your child not longer needs it

Remember, In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is

As with all new skills and changes in behavior,

persistence

is an essential tool.

Replace yourself to get a breather

After your child is comfortable playing the peek-a-boo game, you may start giving your child a transitional object.

Give your child a scarf of yours (it smells like you) to learn how to fold

Practice folding the scarf before you go off to the shower

Soon your child becomes confident about folding the scarf (one or two folds is enough)

Excitedly tell your child what a

good job

, he or she did

folding the scarf

Bring extra scarves for your child to fold while you are in the bathroom

Practice, going in and coming out quickly, then for longer times

Excitedly tell your child what a good job, he or she did folding the scarf

Notice that the

focus is on your child s accomplishment, not on your leaving.

You left your child with a task, you are a part of the task and you appreciate the effort your child put into learning to fold.

You may choose a project of building something or arranging cards, anything that takes some concentration and physical effort. When you do this, you have listened to and addressed the physical separation by giving your toddler a

way to connect

, without you remaining in the same room.

Step 4. Limits

Your goal is to help your child

face their fears without overwhelming them

. This is a developmental stage that you can make easier and less threatening. The limit you were setting in the peek-a-boo game is; I stay here and you go away, you stay here and I go away. The peek-a-boo game helps make separation fun. Remember when setting the limits

Stay out of power struggles by focusing on something fun

You want the limits to be achievable without inducing panic

Finding the activity that is uniquely satisfying for your child may take some trial and error. If you are calm and confident, you communicate that emotion and the

limit will become a built in part of your child s growing mastery of the world

. Over time, you will provide choices of activities.

Your child learns they get to have control by

making a choice

based on

two options you have provided

for what to do while you are gone

Giving options gives your child control

You are involved and connected because you are the one providing options

Step 5. Fresh Start

Whenever you get out of the bathroom, or arrive home from a short absence, no matter how difficult the separation process was for your child, reinforce your toddlers growth and development with interest in what they did while you were absent. Forget any difficulty during your leaving process. You provide a fresh start.

Praise

and

recognize

your child s

effort

Spend a

little quality time

with your child

each time you return

Whenever your child s resources are challenged, point out and comment on your child s success. Fresh Starts are essential. Your child is learning mastery of their world without you as their honing device for a few minutes. There is no judgment of your child with good boy or bad boy .

Encouraging growth requires

recognition

for whatever

effort you toddler made to cope with the stress

of separation. The good job is

recognition for whatever they accomplished

on their project. Wow, look at what you made. You want to reinforce your toddler s efforts to

grow

and

manage distressing feelings

. This trying developmental phase is the beginning of teaching

good problem solving

to your child.

About the Author: Sandra L. Dye Psychotherapist and Child Expert, author of the 5-Step Parenting System – Stay Connected To Have Influence. It works across all ages.

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